I always thought… about everything and anything.

I used to daydream all the time. When I wasn’t able to sleep at night I would create a story, usually a romance, until I fell asleep. I’ve realised that I always put a lot of drama in the stories and my main issue was losing someone I loved or not being important anymore to someone that I cared about. I guess I’m afraid of loss. Not sure why.

Also, a dreamer and a bit of a drama queen, I used to pity myself in loads of situations. I can’t play piano, why am I like this? Instead of being patient and eager to learn, I used to depreciate myself saying why weren’t you able to do that? I kinda wish I was perfect, in fact, the way I was treating myself was so hard that the only explanation was that I had to be perfect, know everything from the start.

Quite boring living a life in ones own head, if there are so many things in real life to explore. But how to move from the dream to reality? A reality that you’ve been so far away from. Restrained to your bubble of friends and thoughts, living your normal life which seems so emotionally intense and stupidly hard, doesn’t help at all. How to change? How to live more, being kinder to myself? I guess by living more and being kinder to myself! Action became my motto. When you act, you test your ideas in the real world. And that’s how it all started…

I’ve left my job after 15 years and realised that dream jobs are a fraud. The concept makes you think you have to keep doing something you thought would be good but in reality sucks! You notice the system doesn’t work the way you expected and people you work with are the main reason you wanted to stay or to leave. You also learn you can change with time and your beliefs can change too.

I moved to another country to start over, and to be with the person I loved, I got married at the beach and my family couldn’t come. I never thought I would get married, not on an incredible beach far away from my family. I volunteered, I traveled, I decided to put myself out there. How scary it is to be out of my own head. I was never confident and I couldn’t help it.

Then, I got pregnant. I was so happy, I love kids, but I was so afraid at the same time. So many unknowns, so many changes in life, especially if you’re an independent woman. My fears were controlling my thoughts and although I was aware of it I couldn’t relax and enjoy the pregnancy. I couldn’t act! I had to wait and deal with my feelings.

I started to learn from that moment who I was and who I wanted to be. I’ve tried before with therapy and meditation, it helped but it wasn’t such a big change when actions need to be taken and decisions have to be made whether you want it or not. Motherhood is the craziest and most delightful experience.

I taught my daughter how to recognise her feelings, how to live in the moment, how to be patient, how to play. Or was it the opposite? Maybe she taught me all of it! Anyways, I wanted her to live a real life, not one of just dreams, to be a go-getter. Of course she had dreams, not like in fairy tales but more like in an adventure film.

We had an amazing connection and then I felt she was suddenly changing. She would go blank for a few seconds. In the following week, it became worse. I was desperate, I knew something was wrong. We went to the doctors, after many assessments they finally diagnosed her with a rare disease. A disease that would impact her thoughts, her actions, herself. Her brain was slowly shutting down.

Everything I had learned seemed to vanish and I returned to being the old version of myself, pitying my situation, dreaming of a cure, I couldn’t face what was about to happen. All of my fears resurfaced but now in real life. I was about to lose my daughter in a year. I had to be brave for her, however all I could think was that I wanted to die in her place. She knew I was distraught and lost, she was just 9, she held my hand and said ‘Mum, don’t be afraid, we’re doing this together, as we always do.’

I cried as I’ve never cried before.

Her strength, maturity, and vividness were impressive. We enjoyed that year as much as we could. We were together all the time. Then, she left.

During my whole life I was afraid of losing someone I loved, and I lost her. I lost part of me.

Life is unique, and fragile. Every minute counts, every encounter matters, every story teaches. I faced my deepest fears, I suffered the worst of losses, I felt it all.

But you know what? I felt it, it was real! I would choose to feel it all over again if I could have my daughter once more.

drama 2021/06/15